The End of An Era

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This is the current state of my mom’s backyard. Eleven years ago, my parents had a pool put in, a lot of memories were made back there. All 3 of my kids overcame their fear of water back there and most of the past few summer days have been spent in the pool or in that backyard. But, it’s time to make new memories.

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The pool was my Dad’s pride and joy. He loved everything about it, down to cleaning it. It was most definitely his “thing.” Since he is gone, it’s become a source of nothing but pain and a money pit for my mom. A few weeks ago, when she was going to open it for the summer, she realized how much money it was going to be to open it because of everything new it needed this year and said enough is enough. The pool has to go.

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This is how it looked on Friday and today it’s supposed to be completely filled in and grass seed layed on top. I’m not sure why, but this really doesn’t make me sad in the way I thought it would. It’s time to take my kids to new places this summer, make new memories and start moving forward with our lives. I mentioned in my last post that I have finally moved into the acceptance phase of my grief process and this pool closing is that last piece of closure I needed.

On our way home last night, we drove by a beach that almost everyone in our city spends the summer at and I got excited about spending summer days there as well.

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I’m also excited about spending a majority of the summer at the sand dunes. My kids are growing up so fast and I’m excited for everything we can do this summer vacation. With my youngest being 4 years old and done with daily naps, we are no longer slaves to being home all afternoon, the days are ours to do what we want. I envision lazy days on beaches with picnic lunches, books and kids playing in the sand.

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As one chapter of my life is ending, it’s time to make new memories and start writing a new chapter. I can’t even begin to tell you how free i feel lately, acceptance is a good and powerful thing.

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Mamavation Monday

For those who don’t know about Mamavation:

Mamavation™ is a online docudrama and weight loss support group for moms in social media. It’s both a campaign and Virtual Sorority™ in one.

If you are interested in becoming a member of the Mamavation Sistahood, Mondays is the day to pledge. Here are instructions if you want (and you should!) to pledge: http://www.mamavation.com/how-to-pledge

This week’s mamavation post is all about goals, and I need some re-direction and a re-evaluation on goals for myself, so I’m excited about this post. Instead of concentrating on month long goals, it’s easier for me to stick to week long challenges for myself.

My goals this week are to exercise for at least 270 minutes and burn a minimum of  2100 calories.

This month is a very difficult and emotional month for me, next week on the 10th was my Dad’s birthday and the 13th is the 2 year anniversary of his death. Such a hard week.

Last year I let myself sink into a pretty deep depression around this time, and I’m determined not to let that happen this year. I know that the best way to honor my Dad and his memory is to continue living my life in a way that would make him proud. I will also be running/walking a 5K in June in his memory.

Bent and Busted

That pretty much describes part of my van right now.

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I was in a parking lot this morning, someone in front of me decided they wanted to back up and get a parking spot, but didn’t see my giant van behind them. I tried to back up, but I wasn’t fast enough and he backed right into my van.

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Thankfully, it wasn’t serious and Aiden and I are just fine. But, my poor van has taken a beating. The timing sucks too, we were thinking about getting rid of it and getting something new. On the bright side, at least this didn’t happen to a brand new car!

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As I was sitting in my car waiting for the police to show up, I just sat there crying and sobbing and all I could think about was my Dad’s accident and really started missing him. I still can’t believe we are coming up on the 2 year anniversary of his passing.Every car accident I have passed by in the past two years sends me mentally back to that day and being involved in this very minor accident brought all of those feelings right back to the surface again.

Flashback Friday

Last week Tyler had to do a timeline of either himself or someone in his family. He chose to do a timeline about my Dad. He was supposed to have pictures of him with my Dad and some from when he was younger. I don’t have a scanner, so I asked my sister to email me some of her favorites from when Dad was in his prime. Try and guess which one is my favorite…

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Dad5

Dad4

Dad2

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If you guessed this one as my favorite, you know me well. I would give anything to call him right now and just start laughing uncontrollably!!! I miss you Dad!!! I’ll leave you with one of my favorites of my Dad and Tyler. This was taken at my little brother’s wedding in August 2009, and my Dad died in April 2010.

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I wonder when it will stop hurting to look at pictures? I miss him so much. Some days I wish I would have had the chance to say good bye, wish we could have been prepared in some way, but then I don’t know if that would have been any easier. Hard to imagine it’s been 18 months this week since I last his heard his voice, 18 months since I read a text from him, 18 months since he played with my kids. I still can’t bring myself to ever drive down the road he died on. I don’t know if I could handle seeing the area, knowing what happened and actually being there. It’s hard enough just driving by the funeral home and cemetery every day.

I really didn’t mean for this to be such a heavy post!!! I miss you Dad!!! xoxo

One of those days

It’s been nearly 18 months since the day my Dad died, and even though I miss him every day, I’ve been healing and able to move forward. Today, it seems as if everything is reminding me of him and I have been thinking of him and remembering him all day long.

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I like to think this means he’s thinking of me too. It started this morning when Aiden and I arrived at the library, I saw a grandpa carrying a little baby boy and holding a little girl’s hand. The man was wearing a shirt and pants my Dad used to wear and from a distance the little boy and little girl were about the size of Karlie and Aiden the last time my Dad saw them. I felt like my Dad was right there, I swear I could smell the cologne he used to wear.

We stopped at the store on the way home and ran into someone he used to work with and she didn’t know he had passed away and started talking about what a good man he was.

On the way home I saw his car 3 times, and it wasn’t that far of a drive! Right after the accident, I would see his car everywhere, it’s not as often now, but when I see a shiny black Lincoln SUV coming at me, I get that pit in my stomach again and know it’s not him.

I think today is a good day to go to the cemetery and place fresh flowers for him.