I Don’t Know What Is Worse

When my dad died in 2010, I thought that nothing could be worse than losing a loved one without any warning or notice.  I was terrorized for months…and always thought the worst when I couldn’t reach my husband, when my kids left the house, etc. 

My grandpa is 91 and is living his last days.  I have known this was coming for months, and it just IS NOT EASY.  I don’t know what is worse:  to lose someone suddenly, or to know that the end is coming quickly and is inevitable.  My mom and her siblings are fighting.  My grandma is struggling and has aged 10 years in the last month.  Me–I just want it over for him.  I know he is miserable.  His right leg is plum colored and can not be saved.  He has no circulation in it anymore.  He was supposed to start hospice today, but late last night, my aunt decided that he should be taken to the hospital.  A vascular surgeon came, and told my aunt and grandma that the only treatment would be an above the knee amputation.  The surgeon recommended against it. The surgeon estimates he has three days left to live before the toxins in his leg kill him. 

He has had a full life, a life well lived, and tons of crazy stories and adventures.  He served our country during WW2.  He has 5 kids, 7 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren.  I will miss him but I know where he is going.  I know that there is something after this life.  I know he will be surrounded by people who have gone before him, who love him.  Who knows, maybe even him and my dad will meet up…

Me, Bryan, and My Grandma and Grandpa on my Wedding Day


One thought on “I Don’t Know What Is Worse

  1. Either one is sad. The sudden death though I think is the hardest because you never get that last chance to say goodbye. My Dad had hospice in the end. It wasn’t until my brother and his family arrived that he was able to let go. He was just laying there, what appeared to be sleeping. About an hour after my brother came he woke up, looked at all of us around his bed, smiled, laid his head back down and that was it. Peaceful!

    Sending big hugs to you and Jen!

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