Rock Bottom

I may even be below rock bottom…I’m putting up my hand for help.

Standing over my Dad’s grave yesterday made me realize how short this life is and how everything can change in an instant. 1 year ago everything seemed right in the world, today it feels like that world is crashing around me. 

We took family pictures last night and I cried myself to sleep. I can’t believe I have let myself get like this. I had to buy a 2X sweater for these pictures, do you have any idea how depressing that is? Everyone else wanted to go home with CD’s full of the pictures, while I’m hoping I never have to see them again. While I’m hoping they will never see the light of day and hoping like crazy they don’t end up on Facebook. 

I have been “trying” to lose weight for almost 3 years now, since my almost 3 year old was born. I weigh more this morning than I did the day before he was born. I can’t find a pair of jeans that fit me, I have to wear giant size shirts and sweaters, everything that looks cute in the store, looks ridiculous on me, so I don’t bother buying anything new, what’s the point? I can’t walk up the stairs without being winded. I hate myself and what I have become. 

I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I feel like it needs to be said. I need help. I’m going to try and make a plan, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

If you got to this point, thank you for reading.


28 thoughts on “Rock Bottom

  1. You are beautiful. Nothing else matters except your true beauty from inside. Stand tall and proud — no more losing weight. Be healthy and the rest will fall into place.I know what I'm saying sounds so easy but you are struggling like so many. I get what you are saying, I've been there before. What counts is that you pick yourself up and move forward. I BELIEVE IN YOU

  2. Jen, you are worth it. I know you feel awful right now but you can do this. We all believe in you and will be here right along the way. Don't worry about yesterday or the day before, just start focusing on making one decision at a time. And if you mess up, you'll still get there. I know you can!

  3. Jen, I could have wrote the part about pictures as we did that this weekend too and I am at the same place weighting more than when I had James 4 years ago 😦 But like everyone keeps telling me i can do it. I feel like i have too hit a wall. I think we all feel that way to a certain point. Okay not sure what the point of my post is. I don't have any great words to give you other than you are not alone. Again not sure if that will make you feel better 🙂 But we can do this 🙂

  4. I feel sometimes when people encourage me to keep going and to try to loose weight, it makes me want to do it even less! Why not just not worry about it for a while, try to make good food choices, but beyond that just enjoy life, your kids, your husband and the rest will just fall into place! I'm sorry girly 😦 Wish I could be there to give you a hug!!!

  5. Throughout your last few posts I have been searching to find the words to tell you because I have felt that you were coming to this point. (I seem to read people really well.) Since I have been getting this feeling from your posts I have been trying to find something to tell you to help but can't find the words. When I delivered my twins I weighed more than my husband and more than I ever weighed in my heaviest days. Here is how I do it…one day at a time. I see you making monthly goals and then beating yourself up when you don't accomplish them. Its not about the month. Its about today. Every day is new and an opportunity to be healthy. Don't worry about being skinny. Worry about being healthy and happiness with your size will come. I have been at the same weight for the last few months but I keep trying and changes are coming. They can for you I promise. Live today for today and turst in God for tomorrow.

  6. Been there right down to the 2X sweaters and hating pictures and being winded just going up the stairs and hating myself. And then you find the courage to take small steps. You decide that no matter how long it takes you *will* lose the weight. You can do it. Make the commitment in your mind and take a step.The Insulin Resistance Die book is helping me and my mother but WW is great too. Start walking. You can do it and it is the best gift that you can give to yourself and your family.Instead of focusing on where you are now, look forward to where you wil be.You can do it and the blogger community is here to support you every step of the way. Believe in yourself.

  7. First and foremost, I love you. I've been doing some similar things – making lofty goals and plans, but that's because that's how I operate with every aspect of my life. How come when I don't achieve a goal in say my career, I don't give up and go on and on about how hopeless I am, I work harder to reach it – but I don't do any of that when it comes to weight loss? I'm the most I've ever, ever been. I saw a kid I went to high school with when we were out to dinner with my mom's family this past weekend and I literally hid behind my husband, begging my kids to be quiet as to not draw attention to us. I was mortified. Why can't that be enough to get me moving?I love the suggestions that were made. I think I'm going to steal some. Day by day. Not beating myself up for not exercising, or taking that extra spoonful of ice cream, but then applauding myself when I do make good choices. Kind of like what I do with my kids. I don't know what's the best thing for you right now. Just keep talking about your feelings. Don't hold it all in. The first step is recognizing it, which you do! I am so blessed to know you and I truly consider you one of my best friends (and one of my favorite people!), and my heart is breaking for you. Hang in there, girl. Everything in your life is still fresh, it hasn't even been a full year yet, you are still experiencing all the horrible firsts. It's a rough time to feel good about anything. Just hold on, hold on to your family and those babies, and you will come through this. You can cry on my shoulder anytime. xoxo

  8. Jen, I'm right there with you. Seriously, right there, could've typed that post myself and I'm about to post a similar one. We can do this, though. We know how. Any chance you want to buddy up and be accountable to each other?

  9. Jen- I can honestly tell you that I have been where you are (minus your loss of your dad). And, I know just how you feel. For me, I was there for years. And it didnt get better until I finally made a heartfelt decision that this was it. For me, it wasnt until medical stuff started going wrong and I got scared. Truly SCARED. It wasnt until that point that I pulled myself out. Scary right? and to be honest, just knowing that I was helping myself made me feel better. You will have your moment(maybe this is it) when enough is enough. You have had such a tough year so try to give yourself a break if you can. Try to get into something that makes you feel good about you. It took me a while to figure that out too. You are stronger than you think. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. There are some sites out there that I love that tell you how many calories you should eat for your height, weight, activity, etc. I find them pretty helpful and then I keep a journal every day on the counter of what I eat. Again, let me know if I can do anything to help. You are not alone.Jennifer

  10. I am sorry you are so down….I will keep you in my prayers. My sister has been struggling with her weight her whole life, we recently fasted together to help her find the right plan for her. It was a good experience for both of us. I know the Lord will help us with our struggles. My heart goes out to you.

  11. I believe in you. I didn't read all the comments, but you can do whatever you set your mind to. If I can help you in any way, I will…but for now, know that there are tons of people who support you.Making a change starts with the idea to do it. From there it is one day, one minute, one second at a time.You CAN do it.

  12. Jen, this story hits SO close to home for me. Looking at old family photos the other day I couldnt beleive how UNHAPPY we all looked. It was like an ad for how to be unhealthy and unhappy. Rock bottom is NOT a fun place, but as awful as it is, I dont think anyone can make acompeltely lifestyle change that hits home and sticks until you hit that point. There are fad diets, quick fixes, but until you commit to a change, you'll just end up back where you are. Bloggin about this is a great start, you've got a ton of support here, and if you need ANYTHING, even just a shoulder to bitch on, email me anytime.

  13. First, I want to thank everyone for your words and advice. You have no idea how much it helps to know that I have support. My first thoughts this morning were to say "forget this, I'll start over in January." Then I realized that just by thinking that, I would gain another 20lbs by January!! I think I have set my goals to high and unreachable for where I am right now. I am not going to focus on the month, all I can focus on is today and what I do today. Jen

  14. I may not speak up much, but I am here and always behind you!! Just think of it as one good choice at a time and try not to get overwhelmed. There's nowhere to go but up xoxo

  15. It is SO HARD to get through holidays when a loved one is missing. You have to grieve it, it has to hurt, before it heals. But I too believe in you, you can change your health and your body and your life. You do not have to be perfect, you just have to not give up. You can do this! It may be tough but it will be so worth the effort. Love yourself now… you are loveable right now. Remember that.Hugs.

  16. I know we are all given our different challenges in life, and when we are in them it can seem so hard. It is so hard. But you can do it Jen. Every day is a new day and you can do it. I'm cheering for you! 🙂

  17. Can I just tell you that this has taken me MULTIPLE times to read… I couldn`t get past your dads grave. I almost lost my mum multiple times and thankfully she is still here. However when I was 16 my best friend and her mom were killed by a 40 year drunk and high driver. It was the worst experience of my life and I felt like I would never get better. However I started living my life for me and no one else. It made a huge difference in the way that I felt about myself. I know you are going through different challenges but you`re an amazing person. Never forget that. xo

  18. Everybody who struggles with weight faces these days once in a while. The best advice I can give is to take this moment and use it as momentum. Since you never want to take a family picture feeling like that again, use next Thanksgiving as a goal and then be the one to suggest the family pictures! That's basically how I did it. :)You're doing great so far and don't let yourself forget that!

  19. Jen,Everyone has these days… thin, large & in between. I can completely sympathize with you, as a lot of others propbably could. It does feel like this is bottom as a rush of anxiety overtakes you. The only thing that has ever helped me get on track in my life is repeating this in my own mind… " I did not gain this unwanted weight in 1 day, 1 week or even 1 month. Just as I did not gain all of it in an instance, I will not loose it in a day, week, or even month. All that I can do is strive to eat better, include physical activity (no matter how much or little, strenuous or mild) and keep focused." I would ideally like to loose 15 pounds or so but since I've become more focused on my eating habbits and exercise, I honestly do not care about my weight right now. I feel fantastic (even though I slip up from time to time) and that fantastic feeling is what pushes me to continue portion control, eating better, and attending my hot yoga on a regular basis. I may not loose the weight before the holidays, maybe not in a year but I can commit to myself that I will not give up. All I need to do is focus on one day at a time, as it comes. My health is more important than indulgence and my health is more important than planting myself in front of the t.v. simply because my health is the ONLY gift I can give to myself. You've got this and even though I do not know you, feel free to contact me anytime. All the best,Danielle

  20. Jen – I am so sorry to hear that you are in a rough place right now…I wish I knew how I could help. Or what to say. Just know that I am here anytime you want to talk or need advice. I don't know if I have any answers but I am a good listener/reader!! Please don't hesitate to contact me.I hope that things get better for you very very soon.

  21. Wow, moving post. All I can offer is bloggie hugs!! Seriously, I suck at writing consoling words but I am trying :)I know how it feels to be at a place where you hate your body, the way you look, get tired doing day to day activities and desperately want to change but don't even know where to start. I was at that point about 4 yrs ago and I couldn't even walk 1/4 mile without shooting pains in my calves, smoked alot, drank alot and ate even more. I hated the person I was becoming and when I saw pictures of myself, couldnt believe I've gotten to that point. From what it sounds like, you've hit your breaking point which sucks but it can be a good thing. This could be the final straw to push towards making some changes that will stick. I would say the best thing to do is take baby steps at this point. Start drinking more water, portioning food and cooking meals ahead of time, take a little walk here and there. Thats how I got started and when I finally felt better about myself, I joined a gym and eventually ran a 5K. You can do it girl!PS–Sorry so long, this post hit close to home.

  22. Jen- I hear you. I do. This is the year I have dubbed as my "Survive, then Thrive" year. This happened on the way to me getting married- being my heaviest didn't matter because I just needed to get there.When my dad died I didn't know how it would affect me. His 7 month anniversary of being gone is happening on my birthday. I am trying really hard to find goodness in that but wow, it feels incredibly hard. I wrote a post about going through Thanksgiving without my dad last week and share it with you here: night, I went to the gym and decided something new. I'm not going to berate myself if it takes me longer to take off the weight than it was to put on. I am still grieving and frankly the main thing for me is to "make one healthy choice. Then make another"- such sage words from Heather S.Take a walk, go for a swim. The endorphins actually do help you feel better even if you're feeling beyond low. A bike ride is good too & possibly the best thing would be yoga as I find the body to hold emotions in interesting parts (and the stretching feels good). I'm sending you a hug and a whole lot of understanding. If you ever want to chat in real time, I'm here.

  23. Sorry I'm *just now* catching up on all blog stuff… This post totally got me. I'm glad that you had the strength and honesty to post so openly about how you were feeling. The holidays are SO HARD when dealing with the kind of year you have had (it does get better in time I promise), and to feel unconfortable physically just makes things so darn much worse. I've been trying madly to get back to how I felt and looked when I went home with Eric last year, and have finally just given up and am trying to maintain and be thankful for all the good things I have been blessed with this year. Sometimes the key word there for me is trying, however :-)Your journey continues, and you are such an amazing person, all of these extra emotions and stresses and external forces from the holidays will pass, and in the end you will be the same wonderful person continuing her journey on to success. I'm sending you big hugs!!

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